An Option

My son is now 7 years old and never actually experience having a father or a father-figure in the house. I sometimes wonder how it is like to have his dad with us. Sharing same things together and joining activities in school such us Family Day.

My son is requesting for a baby sister or a brother. He said he’s gonna be kuya (big brother) and would take good care of the baby. I asked him how will I do that? He said, “Get a new honey like my dad!” I told him that if I’ll do it, then he won’t be sharing the same bed with me. Then he said, “That’s impossible!” As if he knows what it meant!

After leaving my son’s dad, I never really looked at the guy the way every woman should. I started to despise them. Don’t get me wrong tho… I don’t hate man that much, matter of fact, I can be really friendly. But every time a guy reveals their feelings for me, I don’t know but there’s this thing inside me that is automatically reacting… blocking them and when it happens, I change my reactions towards them and I am often times rude as in very, very rude.

Getting a man to fall in love with me is not hard but having myself fall for a guy is tougher. I always see small things or I am probably looking for ways that will make me stop seeing them. Finding faults is easy, appreciating is grueling! I don’t know. But shit happens or I just am not really into it, I guess. I don’t want the guy to control me. I don’t want to be his shadow. I don’t want to depend on guys and I certainly don’t want the guy to depend on me.

Well, I fell for guys several times in the past, I can’t say never again but who knows? It may not be bad after all…  “Commitment is the component of love”. I don’t know if I can commit nor fall in love.

But…

Giving the benefit of a doubt, I came up with the conclusion to give myself a chance to meet guys again. Perhaps even go beyond my wildest dream. Get to know them again. Maybe it’s time to meet them half way. Maybe this stubborn heart will fall in love again. I don’t know how I will teach my heart to do that but I am sure that I have to change my mind first before I’ll have a change of heart. 

“Dating guys again is just an option but it does not guarantee anything. Girls still have the biggest advantage in my life!”